Today I ran into someone I haven’t seen in a few months. She commented that I looked different. My assumption was that I looked like a giant whale- but that wasn’t it at all. She hadn’t seen me often enough in the past 6 months to be aware of the fluctuation of 30 pounds (in both directions).
So what was different? My hair. It’s gotten pretty long (I was growing it for Nikki’s wedding). I’ve also been straightening it lately – because it’s the one thing I feel like I still have control over.
This was a liberating moment. By stepping back, and viewing myself through someone else’s eyes, I was suddenly able to see the bigger picture. This is roughly the same size/ weight that I was last year at this time. And the year before that. This is a healthy, normal weight for me. I do not need to be freaking out about the fact that my thighs look like sausage casings in a pair of size 2 pants. There’s a much more sane solution: buy bigger pants!
With that in mind, I hit the mall and walked out with two pair of size 4s that fit just fine. With a little breathing room I look and feel much better. More like myself again. Less self conscious. And I was reminded of the fact that I never intended to be a size 0 or 2 in the first place. When it happened, it was beyond my control – as was the gain of 30 pounds in the past 2 1/2 months.
This has been a journey of physical and mental extremes. I’ve never felt so many highs and lows in such a relatively short time span – a strong sense of spiritual connectedness, followed by the feeling that I had completely lost my center. I’m grateful to be finding my way back home. Today has helped me realize that I can either continue to feel powerless and freaked out (which doesn’t do anyone any good) – OR – I can be amazed that my body has restored itself to balance so swiftly. I’m living proof of the amazing intelligence of the human body.
It’s time to stop obsessing, time to stop feeling trapped. It’s time to embrace my journey to health. Life is a gift!!! Some of my precious freedoms have been restored – and I am THANKFUL BEYOND MEASURE.
- I can run!
- I can eat raw veggies and whole grains and fresh fruits again.
- I actually APPRECIATE these freedoms because they were lost to me for a while. Taking care of myself is a PRIVILEGE, not a chore.
Amen, people. A-FREAKIN-MEN.
That. is. all. 🙂