On surrendering, letting go, trusting and moving forward

This is an “I surrender” kind of a day. Today marks 2 months that I was discharged from Mercy with instructions to follow up with a local gastroenterologist ASAP to get on medication to prevent a future recurrence. That appointment was today.

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It seems that every day is bringing a new lesson, and today was no exception. I think today’s lessons are to let go, surrender, trust the process and go with the flow. I’m quite sure there are more, but those seem to be the ones at the top of the list.  Apparently I had a lot of residual anger bottled up inside from my belief that it shouldn’t have taken FIVE MONTHS to get in for a consult. I burst into tears when I arrived at the gastroenterology office to learn that the appointment was with a different doctor than I had been told.  I was expecting an appointment with Dr. M, based on the referral made by my PCP. It was my understanding that my PCP did a quick consult with Dr. M on what medicine to start me on over a month ago, and I would be following up with Dr. M to increase the dosage today.

Not the case. Dr. J was not up to speed and was under the impression I was there because I am having a flare. (I am not). We went briefly over what led me to here and now and I quickly assessed that although he didn’t know my details,  this doctor seems to know his stuff. Despite the super shitty and highly frustrating referral process, I am thankful for him and grateful to finally be an “established” patient there. Maybe the the “mistakes” and unexpected twists will end up being in my favor. Trust, trust, trust. Melissa, trust.

I think the look on my face says it all. It’s the feeling behind the smile. “Really? I really get to deal with this for the rest of my entire life?”  By the way, do you like the paper gown?

Overall, the content of today’s appointment was good. Dr. J. recommended we start tapering me off the prednisone. In 2 months I should be completely off of it. Starting tomorrow, I reduce the prednisone by 5 mg and double the Imuran (increasing from 50 mg/day to 100). I had a TB screening today, go back for the reading on Thursday – this in preparation for a potential switch to Humira or Remicade sometime down the line. Of course, no medication is without potential side effects:

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Doctor’s notes about potential side effects (written on paper table cover); Lymphoma, infection, neurologic – MS (meaning, an effect to the neurological system similar to MS). Nice.

My next follow up appointment is Valentine’s day. In the meantime, I’ve got requisitions for labs at 2 and 4 week intervals to assess how my body is responding to the Imuran.

Doctor also approved the return of raw veggies, fresh fruits, etc. (in other words, healthy food for normal people) to my diet. This is a HUGE HUGE HUGE deal, as I’m frustrated with the rapid weight gain and the way I’m eating my way through exercise and then some. At least I have a chance of maintaining if I can snack on more fruits and veggies again.

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Celebratory Doctor-approved salad!

I had originally planned to renew my driver’s license after this appointment (it expires tomorrow) but I didn’t know if I could handle so much fun in one day. I bailed on that plan and met up with a compassionate, understanding friend instead. Someone who let me vent and cry and work the feelings out,  and then helped me turn my eyes toward the light. Turns out, I DO have a lot to be grateful for, and a gratitude list is on it’s way.

Forgive me for rambling through this post. I’ve got lots of emotions rattling around and I’m trying to process it all out. At first I thought the crappy communication, lengthy waiting process and the jacked up people skills of the clinic staff were what was bothering me. But I think what’s really bothering me is the fact that I even have to go there at all. The fact that I need professional help and care to ensure that my body doesn’t savagely attack itself is depressing and it makes me angry. I’ve had this diagnosis for a long time, but I’ve never accepted it. And I’m finally realizing that it’s not going away.

I guess if I ever needed fuel / motivation to get me through a workout, this is it. I can picture Crohn’s as the enemy and kick it’s sorry ass through every Jillian DVD I own. (And I own a lot of them). Today was kickboxing and core. I punched, jabbed, kicked, hooked, lunged, crunched and planked my way through the morning while telling my pal Crohn’s  to SUCK IT. It was cathartic, to say the least.

Speaking of Jillian, I think she’s the bomb. The way she breaks down contestants on The Biggest Loser is giving me an appreciation for the way life is breaking me down right now.  There’s nothing like a force of nature (in my case, my own self)  coming at you like a wrecking ball to clear away all the old crap and leave you at ground zero, with nothing to do but build from the ground up.


One Comment on “On surrendering, letting go, trusting and moving forward

  1. I don’t know your pain but I feel it. Hang in there and it will get easier. Do what you know is best for you. Don’t stray and stay disciplined. Have fun. Enjoy life. And don’t let the bastards get you down. Attitude is a huge part of healing! Sending good thoughts to you always.

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